Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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