i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
40s are totally the cure
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
