I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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