I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
