Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
