I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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