I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
