I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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