i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
