you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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