her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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