She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
