Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
