Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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