And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ladies don't puke and tell
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize