That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
