Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
