I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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