If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
