I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He felt like a one man threesome
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
