A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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