Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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