Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
