you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
