Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
