I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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