I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
