swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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