Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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