If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
