this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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