I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
