i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize