I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
