i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize