then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
