Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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