Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
