I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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