it's like russian roulette but with a penis
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
