My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
