My room smells like vodka and shame
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
