i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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