There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
