my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
