Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
