When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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