He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Success! We fucked roommates!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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