i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
