apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found puke in my bra..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
