my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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