I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
