booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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