plz talk dirty to me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
