Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
