sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
