Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
