there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize