He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize