i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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