i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
